That being said, it's been almost a month since my last post, and I really don't feel that much has changed. Clint and I are still adjusting to married life, preparing for some major life decisions, and looking forward to the changes that will spring from these decisions... all while trying to live in the moment.
I have been debating since I started this blog how deep into my business I want people to see. Right now, I want to bare the struggles I have been having with making decisions- big decisions. I don't see harm in putting it all out there regarding starting a family, going back to school, looking for a full-time job, etc. These are life decisions that tons of people make every day, and many people I trust have already made and lived with their choices. Who better to offer advice? That being said (I feel like I overuse this phrase when I blog- sorry!), I'm a little nervous about being overloaded with questions, opinions, and suggestions upon posting this blog.
For now, I'm going to delve into the 3 topics that are consuming my life right now, all of which center around one question "WHAT SHOULD I DO WITH MY LIFE?"
Going Back to School
So, going back to school has been "the plan" for quite some time. I was accepted to Masters programs at University of Kansas, Boston University, and Boston College at the end of my senior year, and deferred admission to all 3, saving the decision of where to go for this year. Financially, I received only a little help from KU, and fairly generous tuition fellowships from the 2 schools in Boston. However, upon calculating cost of living for Boston, the tuition scholarships do not outweigh the and living in Boston for 2 years will still be more expensive. Further, Clint will have more opportunities for work (and "not have to compete with MIT graduates") in Kansas. I have friends there, it near my family, and I know I love it. It seems like the perfect choice, and as far as most people know, this is where we are planning to move in August. To be honest, I was quite excited about going back to school/Kansas until I got the shaft financially from KU. Now, with the high tuition I will have to pay, I am forced to ask the question (and not just ask, I have to research/pray/seek council)... is it worth it? Will this ultimately get me where I want to be? Or will I find myself in this same place in 2 years, with little more than debt and a piece of paper to show for it.Because I'm not sure what I'd want to do post-Masters (another Masters? PhD? Public Policy? Social Work? Law School? Ministry?), it's difficult for me to get a sense of whether I need the degree. It is also becoming increasingly difficult for me to see myself as a threat in high-competition areas. (This hit to my self esteem is coming mostly from KU's decision not to award me more financial aid, which is making me realize that I may not be as much of a contender for academic success (M.A./PhD) as I had previously thought.)
In the considerations of going back to school, there's the option of moving there (yes, the elusive "there"), living for a year, and applying for in-state tuition. This seems like a good idea, but there's no guarantee that I would be accepted to the program, or that, after a year of working, I would still have the desire to go back to school.
Finding Full-time Work
So if I don't go back to school, what is there to do? I have six weeks left with the kiddos at the middle school. The classes are frustrating but at the end of every day I get a little sad. I will miss my co-workers, and most of the kids, as well as the regular schedule. I know once I am gone I will remember this job with complete fondness despite the abuse I have become accustomed to.At this point I am planning on working at Gap as much as possible once LPS school year is over. I have also applied for assistant manager positions with Gap in Denver, Kansas City, Fargo, and Davenport, IA. My manager at Gap in Lincoln has given me the go ahead and references, so now it's just whether the stores I apply to bite.
I have also been searching for ministerial positions and non-profit employment around the country but there doesn't seem to be much I'm interested in at this point. It's a little hard to pinpoint a location where we want to move when, if I don't go to school, our options are seemingly endless. Basically, we've said we want to stay in an 8 hours radius of Lincoln.
Eventually, I'm thinking that once we start adding to our family I would like to be a stay-at-home mom or work part-time so I can make my own schedule. At this point, full-time employment is really tempting because it means earning money instead of going into debt, and the benefits (especially at Gap) are awesome. I am particularly excited about the benefits of adoption assistance and BabyGap gift. So let's go there...
Starting a Family
Let me be completely honest (maybe even embarrassingly so) here. I have baby fever. It's not a secret among my friends and family (or co-workers, or even strangers on the street) that I have been excited to expand our family since about 2 months before our wedding. However, this is a big (HUGE/LIFE ALTERING/IRREVERSIBLE) decision. Clint and I have talked several times about our options in starting a family, whether or not we're ready as a couple and the practical side- can we support a child emotionally or financially at this point in our lives? I have been particularly turned on to the idea of having a baby since I started working at BabyGap. I know it's stupid, but these mom's come in with their cute kids and buy cute outfits and I just want a little cuddle buddy to carry around with me. Also, before my wedding, I followed a number of wedding blogs, and I basically switched to baby blogs after the wedding. These blogs, celebrity baby news (teen mom, anyone?), and the idea of dressing up a perfect angel in BabyGap clothes gives me (and others i know, too) this sense that having a baby is all fun and just fits into their life as an extra something to do.
Although having these idealized views of having kids would be nice, I wanted to know more about what it's really like. Obviously no amount of reading is going to prepare me for being a mom, but Clint started me on a reading kick when he bought me You Can Adopt: An Adoptive Families Guide and I Was a Really Good Mom Before I Had Kids: Reinventing Modern Motherhood for Valentine's Day. The latter really opened my eyes to what it's really like to be a mom, and I wanted to know more. Since then, I've expanded the book list to include Your Marriage Can Survive a Newborn, Babyproofing Your Marriage, To Raise Happy Kids, Put Your Marriage First, It Gets Easier! . . . And Other Lies We Tell New Mothers: A Fun, Practical Guide to Becoming a Mom, Sippy Cups Are Not for Chardonnay: And Other Things I Had to Learn as a New Mom, Naptime is the New Happy Hour, and The Three-Martini Playdate: A Practical Guide to Happy Parenting. Most of these books have the same sentiment, that parenting is hard work (ya think???) and that sustaining your marital closeness is particularly difficult during the newlyparent stage. To be honest, all the stories from these parents makes me nervous to be a parent, but I think that's ok.
Another dimension of starting a family that adds to my confusion is that we want to adopt. International adoption and domestic adoption agencies usually require that potential parents are over 25 and have been married for 3 years or more, so we have awhile to wait here. Foster adoption is possible, but infants are rare, and Clint has expressed he would like a "new behbeh" :) Although we haven't 'tried' to get pregnant at this point, I have PCOS, which can make miscarrying or gestational diabetes highly likely, or even full infertility. I'm open to the idea of having children biologically, but at this point I'd like to be healthier before getting pregnant, to ensure my health and my baby's.
For now, I would like to emphasize that I am happy with my minimal responsibilities and our 2 babies... Jager and Ziva! :D
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