March 11, 2011 (1)

     For Valentine's Day this year, my husband bought me 2 books: You Can Adopt (which was awesome, more on this topic at a later date) and I was a Really Good Mom (before) I had Kids. This second book is written for "modern moms", a.k.a. twenty and early-thirty-somethings that have been confronted with a new type of motherhood, which our grandmothers and mothers cannot relate too. Basically, this new type of motherhood stems from the notion that today's women can "have it all" if they're willing to work hard enough, and leads to women struggling (unrealistically) to find balance and "have it all" at once.

     Ok, so, I'm not a mom yet, (although, we have been asked several times how long we're going to wait to have kids, as if they should be popping out after less than 3 months of marriage. Come on people!) but this book raised several points that got me thinking, not just preemptively about what to expect from motherhood, but also about the idea of "doing it all" and "having it all".

     As the authors described the expectations they had of themselves regarding marriage and motherhood, it seemed absolutely ridiculous, actually making me laugh out loud on several occasions. However, as I thought more, I realized I'd been holding some of the same ridiculous ideals for myself, my marriage, and my household. In one section of the book, the authors interviewed mothers and asked them "I would have a happy home/marriage/life/family if...", and these were some of the responses (these are also the ones I hold true for myself).

Take time to read each night before bed.

Bake homemade treats for all special occasions.

Organize and neatly store everything at the end of each day.

Raise your voice only if someone's on fire.

Look and feel happy, and look as if looking and feeling that way takes no effort.

Ignore your own needs and see to those of others first.

Prepare healthful, homemade meals every day, and have them waiting at home for husband.
Always have fresh flowers in the house.

Do it all. Do it perfectly.

     As I look at the list as a whole, I realize it's unrealistic, but it takes time to get real with yourself. To say, what will really make me happy, and which expectations do I need to let go? Which of these things are truly expected of me, and which have I been disillusioned into thinking I need to do (through magazines, t.v. shows, blogs, etc). Does my husband care of we have flowers in the house? NO. Does my husband care if he has clean underwear? Most of the time. Does my husband need me to affirm my happiness daily. Yes! So it's actually the little things that keeps our household running smoothly (see also: happily). 

     Now, that's not to say that the other things aren't important. I take a lot of pride in my ability to balance 2 jobs, along with cooking, cleaning, taking care of pets, doing (a lot of) laundry, house hunting for the fall, and co-managing money. Apart from these responsibilities, it's also important for me to slow down, take time for myself, and spend time with my family. Getting things done is important for sure, but finding balance in anticipating the future, honoring the joy of the past, and enjoying the present is just as important.